CAPTAIN UNDERPANTS

George Beard and Harold Hutchins

Created many stories from the plot

Of an unlikely Super Hero

An Earthling, he was not.

He came from Underpantyworld

Catapulted from outer space

To escape the ‘Wedgie Warlords’

Spraying starch all round the place.

This of course all happened

When he was but a child

Adopted by the ’Potters’

He grew up meek and rather wild

They had found him in the mangroves

While checking pots and keeping tabs

Just sitting in a mud pan

Contently sucking on some crabs.

So was it fact or fiction?

Others shared  a similar fate

Superman came from Krypton

Before it was too late.

And among the many stories

Throughout the Lord’s ‘Good Book’

Pharaoh’s daughter found our Moses

In the reeds beside a brook.

The Potters named him Robbie

And at school he was quite shy

But he grew such girth and biceps

It made you wonder - Why?

While all the other children played

And ran round kicking balls

Young Robert spent time lifting things

Even bricks from off the walls.

His home out in the ‘boondocks’

Nary a fashionable place

Was not a bit like Gotham City

But Redcliffe had much more space

And on his trusty bicycle

He explored all this world around

Especially through the mangroves

Where originally he was found.

Not expecting to be any other

Than the local 'Hoi Polloi’

He had to make his way through life

When no longer just a boy

Gentle Jesus was a carpenter

Schooled in the use of saws

While Robbie made his way through life

Installing garage doors.

Now it somehow often happens

When a woman comes around

She wrings the very best from her man

And hidden qualities are found.

So it was for Robert’s Ying

When the wedding bells all rang

That Robbie Potter thus succumbed

And so became her Yang.

Her unsuspecting Hero

Was introduced to wedded bliss

Where nothing's kept a secret

From an anxious little Miss

It came about one morning

While laundering a frock

Tangled in the washing

And came as quite a shock.

So Robbie was confronted -

'What's this! hidden in your 'Jocks'?

When other men so glibly use

A rolled up pair of socks'. -

'It's just a magic amulet

Which in my stomach had been pinned,

I fear it must have popped on out

With some unexpected wind'.

Now Ying was not as gullible

As Billy Sharpe and all his mates

But Robbie looked a little 'Sheepish'

And committed to his fates.

So it was, she sensed the truth -

'I knew my man was quite a prize -

Not just for all his wisdom

Nor his most impressive size'.

Her ardent ministration 

Brought this new ‘persona’ to the fore

With such a strength of character

And scared of starch no more.

Thus our ‘Captain Underpants’

Erupted on the scene -

Perhaps a little late in life

But you know just what I mean.

His costume was quite simple

With its bright red flowing cape

That somehow did accentuate

His all round manly shape.

While the other men of marvel

In fancy vestment hid away

All his striking features

Were thus proudly on display.

Wherever he was needed

Flashed this blinding ray

The ‘Jockmobile’ with Underpants

In the very shiny silver tray.

And whenever there was trouble

He was committed to the fray

Quietly hoping to himself

I just wish they’d go away.

All the children loved him

And they knew he was no fake

For just like all the rest of them

He was very fond of cake.

He had so many talents

Not just cleaning up a mess

He was especially good at helping out

Young damsels in distress.

Most other Hero’s have by now

All graced the silver screen

And Billy Sharpe soon conspired

So his acting talents could be seen

With the main event promoted

Billy found out on the night

Underpants, had lost his nerve

And suffered fro stage fright.

Alas, one day Old Underpants

While showing his prowess

Blew a gasket in the groin

Actually, both of them no less.

Although our new age Super Hero

Is not made out of steel

He does have certain qualities

Which in truth, are all quite real.

We hope they quickly sew him up

And of course we wish him well.

And hope he’ll soon be zooming round     

With new Fairy Tales to tell.

And the lovely Queen of Underpants,

She could reinforce his patch

By starching up his Y-fronts

Across the front to match.

Rodd Sherwin

( in answer to  Bonnie Tyler’s  plea   -

‘I need a Hero  -

I'm holding out for a hero

‘til the end of the night

He’s gotta be strong

He’s gotta be fast

And he’s gotta be larger than life …….’)